A Modest Proposal for Public Funding of Private Armies

An Open Letter to the U.S. Congress

Now that the Senate has endorsed the use of armed mobs in political discourse, we can look forward to a much more exciting life for politicians at all levels of government. Threats of a bullet to the head are scary enough, but when a few heads actually get blown off, a politician's life will take on a new existential weight. Knowing each day may be one's last will give each day special meaning.

Most politicians will draw the obvious conclusion: that the only way to stand one's ground is to have armed muscle of one's own to counteract the thugs working for one's opponent. After all, as Wayne LaPierre might have said, the only defense to a bad guy with a mob is a good guy with a mob.

President Trump was able to raise a mob on the cheap, by endlessly repeating his delusional fabrications to his base. But future political leaders cannot leave these things to chance. They may not have months to incite their followers to a frenzy. At a moment's notice, even state officials might find themselves facing down the barrel of a Senator or President's gun (as did officials in Georgia and other swing states after the last Presidential election). The surest way to be able to defend against being assassinated or lynched is to maintain a professionally trained corps of goons of one's own in reserve at all times. Over time, these will evolve into private militias ready whenever the statesman summons them to march for the glory of the cause.

Just picture how exciting it will be when there are daily gun battles in the street between socialists and capitalists or Trumpists and never-Trumpers! The socialists can reclaim the red flag of militant labor, waving over a mob of paid thugs charging toward the bought-off stooges of the almighty dollar, themselves carrying an olive-green flag with the sacred $$$ mark. Debates will no longer be settled by who is most honey-tongued, but by whose army inflicts the most casualties.

The only dark cloud on this rosy sunset of American democracy is the ruinous cost of a private army, militia, or gang. Political campaigns are already pricy enough; the cost of equipment, uniforms, training, housing, and food for a small army (and think of the medical costs!) will simply put the expense of a political campaign out of reach for all but billionaire candidates.

There is only one solution: public financing of militias. Any politician who currently holds office, is doing well in polls, or has survived an assassination attempt will be entitled to funds adequate to support a certain number of troops. These troops will be required to wear the uniform of the politician's party or faction whenever they are armed. Medical care for these militiamen (and women) will be borned by the VA. If the group wants to have a flag, they must pick one flag design, to maintain the visual coherence of battlefields.

Political campaigns have been viewed as a crucial test for an office seeker, a chance to prove that he or she has the stamina, strategic vision, and political savvy to fill the office. Adding the opportunity and necessity of organizing a militia to defend against and attack one's opponents' forces will add a whole new dimension to this test. No longer will we have to speculate about whether a Presidential candidate has what it takes to be Commander in Chief. Felling an opponent before he gets you provides direct training for organizing drone strikes on foreign leaders.

Congress! Act now: The militia we buy may be the one that saves your life.